It just struck me that tomorrow will be my last Thursday living in my house. The last thursday in my bed. The last thursday that I was able to spend with my high school friends. And most of all, the last thursday that I can truly still be a child.
Not that I care much about thursdays. I don't think they are any more important than any other day of the week. But this thursday is important because it is the first of my last days. The very beginning of my last week of summer, and I can't believe it.
I feel like all the growing up I should have been doing over the past 18 years has been crammed into this final seven days. Seven days to figure out how to do the laundry, how to clean up after myself, how to manage my time, and how to say goodbye to the people who have become such a giant part of my life.
I think that last one is the hardest. How do you say thank you "for being my friend," "for always being there for me," "for all the good times we've had?"
Just saying something like that doesn't seem like nearly enough.
I went to a party tonight and I couldn't help but think that things are going to change massively soon. That nothing will ever be like this again. Why does everything constantly have to change?
I hope this change is for the better, as it often is; but it is so sad that I have to leave everything that I'm comfortable with to bring it about. That I have to risk it all to move on.
I wanted to write something tonight. Something poetic, that could really express the way that I think we're all feeling. but I don't think I can at all.
It's like there's a feeling so big that you can't express it with words. A feeling of excitement and terror; of both hello and goodbye; of childishness and maturity. How the hell do you write about that? What do you say? But maybe all you can do is try to express that feeling. Even if you know it's impossible. Maybe you just have to try and explain it, so that you will realize how very hard it is to grasp.
So that's what I'm trying.
I leave in 7 days. Holy crap.
"Are you kidding me?" he thought to himself as he viewed his tired face in the mirror. He had known all along that the time to move on had been coming; but now that it was closing in so quickly, he found himself utterly terrified as he considered how much his life would change over the next few weeks. Walking around his bedroom, he thought carefully of all the things he'd be leaving behind: his windows overlooking the front yard, the warmth of his bed on a cool night, the mirror on the back of his closet door, the feeling he'd get in the morning when the sun just peaked in through his curtains. But most of all he thought of the things outside of his room. His family, his friends. Almost all of the people who he truly loved would be far away. And when he thought of this, it terrified him more than anything ever had.
He almost felt like he was dying, as he said goodbye to the people who he had grown up with. As if a piece of him, a part of who he was, would never be the same. As he shook the hands of those who were so close to him, it felt so business like, so statuesque; as if part of them had already ceased to be a child.
"shit," he muttered softly, "this is growing up."
well now that we have that depressing part out of the way, I think i want to get back to what I was saying earlier. I don't know how in the world I could thank you all for everything that you have done for me (and will continue to do for me I'm sure).
I know that I'm not dying, and you'll all still be around. But since I won't get to see you as much, I just want you to know that I am so madly in love with all of you. The ways in which you have all changed my life have meant so much to me. Thank you so much for who you are.
Now I'm going to quit being such a whiny baby and go to sleep.
love always,
jim.
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