Day 2447 - My Day At the Dentist

Dear Internet,

There are very few things in the world that I enjoy less than the dentist. When compared to the dentist, I am likely to give favorable review to nearly anything. Being bitten by a chimpanzee is better than the dentist. Having your boot come off when you are walking through deep mud is better than the dentist. I would be glad to iron my shirt while I was wearing it instead of going to the dentist. Dentists are located at the very, very bottom of my list of enjoyable things. They are just under Fascists, Dictators, Warlords, Drug Cartels, and Alien Overlords. Also cats.

The reason I dislike dentists is that a dentist has the ability to make you feel like you are four years old. Even if you are almost twenty-two and have a nice beard coming in, you are four years old. You feel small, and unimportant, and as though you have just been placed in time-out.

This is because every dentist on the planet is a master of scolding.

It takes about six years of schooling for a person to become a dentist. Two of these years cover dental procedures such as placing fillings, shining bright lights in the patient's eyes, and using that suction tube thing. Also metal hooks.

The next four years are exclusively dedicated to lessons on scolding. Most dentists start this part of their education with some sort of introductory course--like "You Need to Brush More 101" or "Have You Even Heard of Floss? 130." These initial courses cover the basics that will make all patients feel like they should go sit in the corner and think about what they've done.

Once this foundation is layed, dentists move up to more difficult course work. My dentist definitely took "I Bet You Drink a Lot of Soda 472" and excelled in "If Flossing Were an Easy Habit, I'd Be Out of a Job 502."
(Note: It is this point in a dentist's career when he or she begins to develop a mastery of awkward handshakes and smiling too widely.)

With this background in mind, I am now home from the dentist--feeling defeated and troubled. Despite the fact that I am almost twenty-two and have a nice beard coming in, I am four years old.

Love always,
-jim.