Day 2469 - This is the Worst Birthday Ever

Whenever something bad happens I don't say, "sometimes bad things happen to good people," or "everything happens for a reason." I think these responses are fairly overused. Instead I say, "this is the worst birthday ever!" Because no matter how bad something is, it would be inevitably worse if it happened on your birthday.

An unexpected cold front causes the pipes from the sprinkler system to explode, and I must stand in a spurt of freezing water to turn the system off--"This is the worst birthday ever."

The RamSkellar takes 45 minutes just to make my fish and chips.--"This is the worst birthday ever."

I develop an allergy to birthday cake of all varieties.--"This is the worst birthday ever."

I find that it is best to claim that I'm having "the worst birthday ever" with a slightly whiny voice, as if I've just been punched in the face. Often it can be very effective to use this phrase around people who do not actually know when my birthday is. Strangers help me with things because they want me to have a good birthday, or even a mediocre birthday--but certainly not "the worst birthday ever."

However, Monday was my actual birthday, and I made the mistake of saying, "this is the worst birthday ever." It seems to have a much different meaning when it's actually my birthday.

Sorry about that. Just to clarify--Monday was not the worst birthday ever, I was just upset that I stubbed my toe.

love always,
-jim.

P.S. I've noticed that for every blog in which I mention the GRE, I get a comment from a guy named "pro," saying that he "likes my writing way" and suggesting that I go to a GRE prep website. I am fairly certain that he is a robot, but I wanted to test. So I will close the blog by saying this: GRE GRE GRE GRE!

Day 2454 - Backup Plan

Hello there Internet,

As you probably know, I have been searching for grad schools lately--perusing university websites, taking the GRE, brooding over personal statements--and I have realized that I have no backup plan. If this grad school thing doesn't work out, I have no alternatives.

My biggest fear is that I will end up working in a fast food restaurant. I may be that guy that works the fryer at Wendy's or perhaps the mulleted man behind the register at Arby's. My talents at applying cheese to hamburgers may prove necessary when I work with Ronaldo, the heavy-set fellow who consistantly shuffles around the kitchen of McDonalds humming the theme song to The A Team.

The potential for this future seems to increase every time I think about graduate school. I've even heard that King Wienie, the hot dog stand near my house, may be hiring.

I will do anything to avoid this future.

So, in the spirit of avoiding working in a drive thru, this blog will cover my new life backup plan.
Whether I go to grad school or not, I want to have an exciting life. I would like to have a creative outlet in my work. Also, I would like to go to my high school reunion and feel like I'm too good to be there. Thus, I have begun a search for a backup plan that will help me accomplish these goals. I drove around town the other day, searching for inspiration.

I thought for a while before it finally came to me. I was driving by the Aggie Theatre and read the marquee: 10/6 Melvins, 10/7 Mamosa, 10/8 Cornbread, 10/9 Helmet.

All those band names have fairly decent qualities, I thought. Brevity. Obscure names. Food references. Helmet. However, a really great band would combine all the good things about these names. A band like that would be a force to be reckoned with. Perhaps the best band ever. Why has nobody made that band?

That is when it hit me. My backup plan. The course I would take to avoid the drive thru. It was so simple.

I'm starting a band. Melvin's Mamosa Cornbread Helmet. I think we'll probably play 1920's radio hour type music, with occasional interventions of noir style romances.

Just you wait, world. It's going to be big.

Backup plan officially established.

Love always,
-jim.

Day 2448 - An Amazing Breakthrough

Great news internet!

In my search for grad schools I found one that has no application fee. It also doesn't require that I take the GRE. It pays a stipend of $10,650 per year to any student admitted without requiring students to have assistantships. It has a full tuition waiver for all MFA students. And perhaps best of all, it was definitely started by a robber baron.

Also, after going there, you come out looking like this:



That's right folks! It's Vanderbilt University in lovely Nashville, Tennessee!

And despite the University's reputation as an intelligent institution, they are willing to pay me money to write stories about boys ripping off piano teachers' wigs and creamated remains being sucked through infomercial products! (For those of you who don't read my stories--those are totally real).

So that's the new development of the day.

Also, I had a nice bread bowl for lunch.

Love always,
-jim.

Update: They actually do require the GRE.

Day 2447 - My Day At the Dentist

Dear Internet,

There are very few things in the world that I enjoy less than the dentist. When compared to the dentist, I am likely to give favorable review to nearly anything. Being bitten by a chimpanzee is better than the dentist. Having your boot come off when you are walking through deep mud is better than the dentist. I would be glad to iron my shirt while I was wearing it instead of going to the dentist. Dentists are located at the very, very bottom of my list of enjoyable things. They are just under Fascists, Dictators, Warlords, Drug Cartels, and Alien Overlords. Also cats.

The reason I dislike dentists is that a dentist has the ability to make you feel like you are four years old. Even if you are almost twenty-two and have a nice beard coming in, you are four years old. You feel small, and unimportant, and as though you have just been placed in time-out.

This is because every dentist on the planet is a master of scolding.

It takes about six years of schooling for a person to become a dentist. Two of these years cover dental procedures such as placing fillings, shining bright lights in the patient's eyes, and using that suction tube thing. Also metal hooks.

The next four years are exclusively dedicated to lessons on scolding. Most dentists start this part of their education with some sort of introductory course--like "You Need to Brush More 101" or "Have You Even Heard of Floss? 130." These initial courses cover the basics that will make all patients feel like they should go sit in the corner and think about what they've done.

Once this foundation is layed, dentists move up to more difficult course work. My dentist definitely took "I Bet You Drink a Lot of Soda 472" and excelled in "If Flossing Were an Easy Habit, I'd Be Out of a Job 502."
(Note: It is this point in a dentist's career when he or she begins to develop a mastery of awkward handshakes and smiling too widely.)

With this background in mind, I am now home from the dentist--feeling defeated and troubled. Despite the fact that I am almost twenty-two and have a nice beard coming in, I am four years old.

Love always,
-jim.